Only 9 more hours left...

Only 9 more hours left on Gabriela!! To make sure you don't miss out you can click the link below to either bid or mark her as a watched item. If your just looking them come on in and LOOK! Happy Sunday Ya'll.

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5630093914&rd=1&sspagename=STRK%3AMESE%3AIT&rd=1

New Doll for SALE

I just listed Baby Gabriela on eBay. She is sooo life like it's scary!! Click the link below to view her listing and to bid. I've started her at 99 cents with NO RESERVE!

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5630093914&rd=1&sspagename=STRK%3AMESE%3AIT&rd=1

Mood Shift

No sooner had I entered the last post and my "downward spiral" started shifting directions. I'm less irritable and started to feel almost a wierd kind of "calm". Wierd, I guess, because I usually don't feel calm at all. I've made it to bed by midnight at the latest and have been sleeping later because DH is home this week. So is it because I'm getting more sleep that I feel the change or am I able to sleep because of the change??

I just got home from my Art Class about a 1/2 hour ago so I'm still feeling the after effects of that. It is EXTREMELY calming. I don't know if you've ever gotten a massage...a really good massage...but anyway it's like that. When I leave I feel like I've just been pampered and taken care of and nursed back to health. I guess in a way I have.

I'm working on a self portrait, which is difficult for me for a couple of reasons. One, I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I haven't always but I do now for some reason. And, two, I have a very distorted view of myself. I can't see what others see. This may be very common, I don't know. I've been watching the Biggest Loser lately. Yeah, I know. Well I am a reality TV junkie. I'll watch anything that even resembles reality TV. So anyway...I'm looking at these women...I see there bodies...the shape...the rolls and so forth and I think "wow, that's what I look like". Now, keep in mind these women are over 200lbs. I weigh about 135. I KNOW this in my head, but at the same time when I see them, I still think that's what I look like. I've never been one of those women who always see's herself as "fat". In fact for most of my life I was skinny, very skinny, naturally skinny. People would say "you need to gain some weight". (I admit that often made me feel like I was too skinny...maybe I was) Over the years I put on some pounds and appeared more normal to everyone else. Then I got pregnant...ate everything in sight...and now 16 months after the birth of my son I'm 135 lbs and feel fat. I was 128 before I got pregnant. Whatever. Okay... Didn't really mean to off on THAT tangent. So, yeah, I'm doing a self portrait I'll post some pictures as it starts to come along.

Creativity, Insomnia, Downward spiral??

Okay. So for the past two months I've been on what I would call a manic ride. I've had ideas rushing at me so fast, it was all I could do to write one down before I missed the next one. I was also creating quite a bit more than I have in a long time. I just kind of dove right in, not planning, not really even thinking. I just wanted to create and create and create. Even as I was involved in one painting I would already be eager to start another. (ADD??) Dunno. BUT..along with this glorious burst of energy and ideas came the insomnia. Anyone who really knows me can tell you that I LOVE to sleep. Sleep is normally one my favorite things to do in the whole world. Now I find myself up at 2am and still wired for sound. When I go to bed my mind is still racing so I probably don't actually fall asleep for another 1/2 hour to an hour. Then of course I'm up with Jack usually by 7am. What's strange about this particular bout is that I'm not even really that tired. In the past when I've had insomnia I would be up most the night and exhausted come morning. This time I've actually felt like I've been getting enough sleep. I'm not complaining, just noting that it's weird.

So, that's what has been going on for the last two months. What's going on now is a bit different. My energy has slowed to almost a stop over the past 4 days. I've gotten nothing completed and really don't have the desire to. What I'm more concerned with right now is organizing. I feel and intense NEED to organize...my office...my art supplies...my closet...my life. I almost feel like I CAN'T complete any more work until I organize. I'm also extremely irritable. I have very little patience and the smallest thing is likely to set me off. I feel angry for no real reason. I also don't want to be touched physically.

Okay, so there it is. In black and white. I don't really understand it and never have. Whenever I've experienced this before it has progressed on into something entirely different. I'm not sure what it is. I'm not crazy, I'm not a psycho, I don't think I'm "mentally ill". HA! I'm sure there are a few people that would disagree with that. My whole point in documenting these episodes is to 1.) possibly gain a better understanding of myself and 2.) to determine a direct link between my... let's call them... "episodes" and my creativity. Anyway, time to make an attempt to go to bed. It's only 11pm, so wish me luck.

Just checking

Just checking to see if my links show up.

For Sale
http://cgi3.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewUserPage&userid=hopes*dream
Photos
http://www.flickr.com/photos/18598127@N00/

I didn't mean it...

Okay, so how many times have I heard this excuse. Too many to count and honestly I don't buy it. What am I talking about? I'm talking about the famous....I was upset so I said some things I didn't mean...I was drunk.I didn't know what I was saying...I was abducted by aliens who inserted a probe into my brain and now control my every word by remote control from outer space...I can't be held responsible for what comes out of my mouth!! Okay...so I've only actually heard that last example a couple of times. But the other two...PLEASE! Enough already. Nothing pisses me off more...okay that's a lie...there are plenty of things that piss me off more...but this does piss me off quite a bit.

First excuse: I was upset/I didn't mean it. The hell you didn't. Now what you really should say is: I said some things I shouldn't have. That would be more accurate because when we are upset we most certainly do mean what we say. If we didn't, then where does it come from? Do we pull these hurtful and harmful words from out of thin air. No. They're already inside us, floating around our minds and hearts just waiting for that push so they can be released.

Second excuse: I was drunk/I didn't know what I was saying. When we drink we lose our inhibitions, we lose our fear (or most of it), and we are free to be that primitive ape-like being that we know we really are. What we say when we are drunk is probably more true than any other words we've ever uttered at any other time in our lives.

Moral of this post. If you can't be honest with other people then at least be honest with yourself. Know that you are in control of what you say to others ALWAYS. And know that what you say will inevitably have some sort of consequence. If you REALLY feel it but don't want to pay that consequence, then DON'T SAY IT. Duh...

Work in progress

Here's a picture of what I'm currently working on. - Ebony pencil drawing of a stem of daisies. It's not finished and who knows if it ever will be.. I love white daisies. In fact, when I die, I want to be cremated and have my ashes spread in a field of white daisies. I'm taking a holistic art class right now so most of what I'm working on is for class and I haven't had much time to work on any new ACEO's. If you don't know what an ACEO is you can click on the link below to my ebay about me page and learn more. You can also click on my flickr link to see some photo's of my previous work.
http://cgi3.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewUserPage&userid=hopes*dream
http://www.flickr.com/photos/18598127@N00/

And so it begins

What do you talk about in your first entry? It's kind of intimidating, isn't it? I guess I should just introduce myself...I'm Hope Barrow, the anxiety ridden artist and phobia freak. Basically the purpose for this journal is to document my journey through the creative process, while attempting to "make art", and at the same time, keep a written record of my ..of my what? What should I call it? And does it even have a name. I say Anxiety because that's part of it, but it's more. So... a written record of my issues, my quirks, my problem. I know, I know...it's all about me. Well...yeah..it is. So...there you have it. My hope is to be able to learn more about myself through my art and journal entries. For so long I have been hell bent on trying to "fix" myself. For now I'm letting that go and I'm allowing myself the freedom to just be who I am.
Feel free to join me... it should be an interesting ride.