The BITCH is in the house..

Shit, just as I began this post, I remembered that I forgot to check the tags on my undies. Because I said that I would... and I was going to... but I didn't. Nevermind. I will.

I'm expecting to be a major psychotic bitch for the next week or so. I'm quitting smoking. Well, I'm attempting to quit smoking, again. A long, lost childhood friend has inspired me to have another go at it. So I will.

Go, ahead, say it..."I didn't know you smoked". Everyone usually does. Even people who've known me for years. It's not that I'm a closet smoker or anything, I just think people don't pay that much attention.

Please don't tell me it's bad for me, like that's something I may not be aware of. I'm not an idiot. I know the fact that I enjoy filling my lungs with smoke and cancer causing chemicals may seem to prove otherwise, but I assure you I am not. I am, however, an addict. Which means part of me, a very big part does not even want to do this. The part of me that does is the one telling me I have to do everything in my power to make sure I am here for my son. So, you see, I will be fighting with myself and it won't be pretty.

I'd also, rather not hear any smoking related horror stories. I suffer from anxiety on occasion and that kind of shit really doesn't help me. Instead it's likely to send me straight to ER with imaginary chest pains and numbness. (I'm only partially kidding here, btw)

Don't I already seem a bit edgy?? Laying down the fucking law of what kind of comments I will or will not tolerate. What a bitch! Yeah. Get used to it. In fact you may just want to stay away for a while. (that is, if there is even anyone here...hello?)

I fucking hate this.

TGIM...

I don't look forward to the weekends as much now that I'm home full-time. They used to symbolize a break, but now that I get no break, they've lost their appeal.

Our weekends are usually a bit more chaotic and filled with to do's that can't be done during the week. Jack's Daddy is home, so we don't normally keep the same routine as we do during the week. This, along with overstimulation can make for a crankier than normal toddler. :)

By Sunday night I'm usually exhausted and looking forward to Monday so I can slow the pace down a bit and get back on schedule. It still sometimes find it funny that I even care about things like "schedules" now. I care about things that I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would care about.

Not that I've changed completely from who I used to be. I'm still the same fun loving, slightly neurotic, bitch I've always been. I guess, now, I'm just more of a fun loving, slightly neurotic MOM.

How I spent my weekend by Hope. (doing shit that I never used to care about)

1) Running Errands (a term I never used before, because I never saved all my shit to do in one day. I just did as I went along because...well I had all the time in the world) Errands consisted of the bank and post office, my two favorite places because it means I've actually sold something and made some money. Getting Gas, Picking up art supplies and photo boxes. Picking up some color wonder markers and finger paints for Jack, and also a new ball. Buying some new work-out clothes for me because I...

2) Joined a Gym. An all women's facility with...CHILDCARE. Which means I will most likely be able to get a full workout in for the first time in months.

3) Organizing ALL my photos in the photo boxes I purchased. I was planning on just doing the photos of Jack to make it easier to work on his scrapbook (that I am 7 months behind on), But... I got carried away.

4) Cleaning out my linen closet because I then needed an easily accessible place to stack all my newly organized photo boxes.

5) Cleaning out/Organizing my own closet because while I was in there getting more photos I realized it was a disaster. My clothes are now neatly arranged and color coordinated. It sounds a bit anal, but I assure you I am NOT. Three months from now it will be back to being a disaster and I'll be fine with it. Then two months after that I will feel the need organize it all again. Yeah. It's a cycle

6) And last but not least, cleaning up/re-organizing my office which I tend to do after I've pumped out a shitload of dolls. When I work I make a mess. I don't clean up as I go. I can't. If I do, I'll stop working.

And there you have it. If you would have told me five years ago, that one weekend in my future would spent doing all of the above I wouldn't have believe you. But here I am.

I should probably mention that the time in between the above activities was spent, feeding Jack, changing Jack, playing with Jack and his new color wonder markers, bathing Jack, reading to Jack, getting frustrated with Jack, dancing with Jack, and putting Jack to bed. I think Jack's Daddy and I may have even said a word or two to each other.

Happy Monday.

Out to Lunch...

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell I'm doing here?
I don't belong here

-RADIOHEAD

Half-Nekkid Thursday-#9

Aren't you glad is Thursday again? To learn more about Half-Nekkid Thursday click the link above and visit Osbasso, the king.

I'm lazy this week and don't feel like taking any pics. Luckily, for all you leather freaks, I just happen to have this one still sitting on my computer from a couple of weeks ago. All in the name of art baby...

So, here she is...my 9th Half-Nekkid Thursday Photo - All Geared Up



Enjoy! Oh...and stop lurking and leave me comment or I will curse you will 7 years bad luck. I can do it ya know. I have the power. :)

Happy HNT! Did ya play?

WTF Wednesday

TKW has dismissed us from our WBW assignment this week, do to the fact that she is still recovering from her wild and crazy Blogger Blowout Weekend. So, therefore I am left to my own devices as far as coming up with shit to blog about. WTF?

I really don't have anything of any importance to say. I also don't have any nekkid pictures today. There. That got rid of more than half of you I'm sure. Okay, on with my completely random thoughts.

I was out a couple of weekends ago and heard the song PUSSY by the Brazilian Girls, for the first time. It amused me, but then again it doesn't really take much. It's fun, it's Reggae, and it gave me the Jamaican warm and fuzzys. I love Jamaica. It calms my soul. I would move there if it was as all possible. Buy a little villa, make art and jewelry and sell them on the side of the road, maybe plant a little garden...anyway. All that thinking about Jamaica made me think of Rasta Ralphie, so I thought I'd post a picture of him. This is Rasta Ralphie...isn't he cute??



He was jammin' on our party boat. I don't know how old he is exactly, but he's no spring chicken. Anyway, not much of a story, I just love him. Hey. I warned you I didn't really have anything to say.

Moving on...what exactly is a Spring Chicken?? I'm assuming a young chicken..right? And why do people say shit like... it's a piece of cake. It's supposed to mean, it's easy. Well, what's so easy about a piece of cake? Why do we say that? I don't get it. And then there's...it's like taking candy from a baby. Again, that's supposed to mean that something (whatever it is) is easy. Well, I don't feed my baby candy, BUT, I can pretty much guarantee that if I did and you tried to take it from him...oh...it would NOT be easy! And my personal favorite...I slept like a baby. We all know what this is supposed to mean. Whoever coined this phrase obviously never had any babies.

In my family we have a few that have passed down from generation to generation. We say them. We have no idea what they mean.

So. Sew buttons on your underpants.
Well. That's a deep subject.
Mind your peas and carrots.
Goodnight Irene.

There's actually a website out in cyberspace that is supposed to have all these meanings or a least tell you were the saying came from. Right now I'm too lazy to look it up, but I do have one tidbit of knowledge for you.

We've all heard...Close, but no Cigar! Right? I never quite got that one until I learned it's origin. Apparently many moons ago Casino Slot Machines used to pay out in Cigars rather than $$. You'd pull your lever....pear, pear, pear....oh shit apple! You were close, but you didn't win the f-ing cigar! See? Stick with me kids. You'll learn something new everyday.

Monday, Monday...can't trust that day...

Why is it than when you have tons of shit to do on the computer, every program or site starts to suck ass?? Usually blogger's the bitch but today she's the only bitch cooperating.

So...as if it wasn't bad enough that I had to spend the entire weekend at home completely jealous of the Blogger Blowout Bitches partying it up in Austin (see Kami for pics), I also had to work. I'd screwed around long enough and it was time. Now, of course, I can't get on to list any of my stuff so that I might possibly be a be able to SELL it and if I'm lucky make some MONEY! But...what the hell, right? Can't sweat the small stuff. Money is highly overrated anyway.

On the bright side (yes there is always a bright side...), I found a way to make work feel like a party. Well, not exactly like a party, but pretty damn close. My V-Day gift was an iPod shuffle. (I know, I'm probably a bit behind the rest of you on this one.) How I ever lived without one of these things is beyond me.



I am now able to sit at my lonely island, drink a beer, and make some dolls, all while listening 120 of my favorite tunes...As.Loud.As.I.Want. Normally I can't do this because 1. Jack is sleeping and 2. Jack's Daddy is either watching T.V. or playing PS2, which means I'm either listening to Grand Theft Auto, (which was amusing the first 100 times or so but now bores me) OR the crappy ass dialogue of I,Robot, which I swear has been on every weekend for the past two months.

I was pretty impressed with the clarity of sound in such a tiny little peanut of a product. It was amazing, really. I heard things in these songs that I never heard on a CD. Ever. Right now 120 songs seems like more than I'll ever need at one time, so I'm pretty excited. That won't last ,I'm sure. Eventually I'll stop being satisfied with what I have and need more, because, well that's just the way of us humans isn't it? Until then...

Half-Nekkid Thursday- photo #8

It's Half-Nekkid Thursday people! If you don't know what the hell that means then click the link above and visit Osbasso to find out.

This week I decided to go with how I'm actually feeling. So I present to you....my 8th Half-Nekkid Thursday photo - I am so fucking tired



What?? Well, I am.

Did you get nekkid??

God help me...

Okay. My child will not go to sleep. Why doesn't he understand that I need his nap, even if he doesn't??? I have so much shit to do, but right now I would just settle for being able to shower. And a drink. A drink would be good. It's 3:30. Is that too early?? And Daddy's on a trip, which basically means NO BREAK. At least not until bedtime. Is it bedtime yet??

Way Back Wednesday-So in love

It's Wednesday's again which means it's time for Way Back Wednesday, brought to us by The Kept Woman. This weeks theme is:

But we're sooooo in love...time to share the cheesiest boyfriend/girlfriend picture of the past...I'm hoping for some good 80s mullets and barely-there-high-school-mustaches...

A fun theme this week just in time for V-Day. (or actually a day late, but who really cares) Ok. I'm gonna stop being pissy now. My photos this week go all the way back (like they're supposed to, cuz, well it is Way Back Wednesday) to my first love... my first love...you're every breath that I take...you're every da da da... I don't even remember the words.

I guess they're cheesy. This first one goes back to sophomore year. Here I am, all permed out as usual, with my bf C. He was in some kind of thing at school. I don't even remember what it was, but it was at night, I think. Yeah. I'm pretty good with the details, huh? Anyway, he was all dressed up in this Mexican speedy Gonzales outfit. Hot, no? hehe. And me? Well there really are no words.



Next we have the first day of school, our Junior year. He had just gotten his license along with a big ass pick-up truck with a dented hood. Sweet! Don't you love the fashion. Him with his tight tapered black jeans and 6 pack t-shirt. Me, with my shoulder pads and tapered pants. Actually they were tapered and in addition I had to roll them tighter around the ankle. (did anyone else do this?? I was hoping to find a pic with the socks slouched over the bottom of my jeans, but no luck)



I don't how in love we appear though. Maybe in the first one. He dumped my ass about a month after the second was taken. Asshole. Kidding! We have actually been in touch over the past few years and met up once for dinner, which was pretty fun and not at all weird. He did ask me to burn these photos though, so hopefully he won't stumble upon them here and want to kick my ass. ;)

That's all I got. Did ya play?

My funny Valentine...

My funny valentine
Sweet comic valentine
You make me smile with my heart
Your looks are laughable, unphotographable
Yet you're my favorite work of art

Is your figure less than greek
Is your mouth a little bit weak
When you open it to speak, are you smart

Don't, baby don't
Don't change your hair for me
Not if you care for me
Stay little valentine stay
Each day is valentine's
Each day is valentine's day

Stay little valentine stay, stay, stay
Each day is valentine's
Each day is valentine's day
Valentine's day

******************************

Okay. Enough song and dance for one day. Valentines Day hasn't been one my favorites over years. It has sucked more times than not. I got dumped two years in a row on Valentines Day. I spent many alone (even if I was with someone) others I don't even remember. I got engaged the first time on Valentines Day. Looking back, that pretty much sucked too. I think the best Valentines Day was the one when I found out my divorce was final. I once wrote, "Valentine's Day is not for Lovers. It's for people in love.". (Well, there, I just wrote it again) I don't really have a point with this so I guess I'll just stop here.

Or not. The BEST thing about Valentine's Day?? (for me, at least) Is that tomorrow I'll be out scooping up all the chocolates that have been marked down to half price. Chocolate, Baby! Now that is LOVE.

Barnes & Barnes baby...

My favorite song at the moment...



Fish heads fish heads roly poly fish heads
Fish heads fish heads eat them up yum

In the morning laughing happy fish heads
In the evening floating in the soup

Fish heads fish heads roly poly fish heads
Fish heads fish heads eat them up yum

Ask a fish head anything you want to
They won't answer they can't talk

Fish heads fish heads roly poly fish heads
Fish heads fish heads eat them up yum

I took a fish head out to see a movie
Didn't have to pay to get it in

Fish heads fish heads roly poly fish heads
Fish heads fish heads eat them up yum

They can't play baseball they don't wear sweaters
They're not good dancers they don't play drums

Fish heads fish heads roly poly fish heads
Fish heads fish heads eat them up yum

Roly poly fish heads are never seen drinking cappuccino
at Italian restaurants with oriental women yeah

Fish heads fish heads roly poly fish heads
Fish heads fish heads eat them up yum

Yeah. I know.

How to melt my heart...

1.) You must be 34" tall.

2.) You must have a stuffy nose, which in a weird way, makes your voice even cuter.

3.) You must be sitting in the middle of living room surrounded by DVD's, which you've managed to remove from ALL of their cases, all by yourself.

4.) You must look up at me with your running, head cold eyes...

5.)...and say "I yuv yo"

How lucky am I???

Half-Nekkid Thursday-photo #7

Yay! It's Thursday and you know what that means. If you don't then click the link above and visit Osbasso to find out why everyone is gettin' nekkid.

After such a serious day yesterday, I wanted to have a little fun today. So, I present to you my 7th half-nekkid photo- I don't even know what to call it...




I also wanted to thank everyone for their kind words yesterday. I usually spend that day alone every year, so it was kind of nice to get to share a piece of my story with all of you.


Thank you. Thank you very much.

Way Back Wednesday-Feb 8th, 1984

It's Wednesday's again which means it's time for Way Back Wednesday, brought to us by (the psychic?) MamaDuck over at The Kept Woman. This weeks theme is:
Gone but not forgotten...a more serious tone this week as we share our pictures of ourselves with loved ones we've lost (either through death or lost touch with over the years)

I've lost many people over the years, and although I would like to include them here, I can't. Today is reserved for one person in particular and has been for the past 22 years.

Twenty-two years ago to the day, on Feb 8th, 1984 (also a Wednesday) I lost my mother, Susan Rice.



I've been struggling over what to actually write here. How much to tell. How much not to tell. How to explain. How to defend her. Then I decided, the hell with it, I'll just stick to the facts ;)

I lived with my mother up until age seven, when I was taken away and put into foster care (with her step-sister and husband). My mother suffered from a disease that unfortunately touches too many of us. She was an alcoholic. For two years we lived in limbo. I thought I was going back to her. She refused to give me up. When I was nine she finally did give me up, and I was adopted by her step-sister. From age nine to age twelve I only saw her twice. Once, by accident in my grandparents yard. She said "Hi, Hope". I said "Hi". And then the grown ups rushed out to take me away. The second time she was in a coma, and had hair, on only one side of her head. That was the last time I saw her and she died just after I turned 12, when she was taken off life support.

I didn't have any photos of her and I together until recently so I'm posting all that I have. In this first one you can't see me, but I'm there ;) This was taken in Florida back in 1971 when she was pregnant with me.



Here, I was about a month old and she was 20. I love this picture because I am staring right at her. I probably knew her better at that very moment than I did at any other point in our lives.



In this one I'm about a year old. It was around Valentine's Day. I'm not sure if I know this because I remember, or someone told me.



This one is my favorite of them all, and as you can see it's also in the worst shape. Someone had it tacked up somewhere so there are tiny thumbtack holes all over. I'm guessing I was about 2 1/2 because it was taken in Massachusetts and she's wearing shorts ;) I love this picture because of how I'm looking at her. I remember looking at her like this. I remember staring at her and thinking she was the most beautiful woman in the world. This is the way my son looks at me.



Summer again, so I think I'm about 3 1/2 here.



And those are all I have. I wish I had more, although maybe it's better that I don't. When my aunt sent these to me after my son was born, it was like a dream come true. I'd been waiting so many years for them. I couldn't even open them up at first. I had to wait, for the perfect time. The perfect moment. I thought that, somehow, they would give me answers or fill the void. They didn't. They only left me more questions and a larger void. Pictures make your past real somehow. Like you're seeing it all over again. I don't know. I am glad I have them though.

The only time I'm not afraid of dying, myself, is when I try to believe that I will get to see her again someday. But I'm not really sure I believe that.

When I was a child I hurt for me. Now that I am a mother I hurt even more for her. She used to say our song was Me and You Against the World by Helen Reddy.

I love you Mommy.
I love you too, Baby.

MatchingMoms dot Org

This morning we had our little playgroup at our house. It went pretty well except for Jack taking back every one of his toys that Little Z or Little C tried to play with. There was also very little screaming or crying... except, of course, for when they were screaming or crying.

I know these photos suck, but I had to get one of Jack and Little Z actually sitting together somewhat calmly. I say, somewhat, because Little Z was letting out a little annoyed cry every so often while biting on his ball. What was he upset about?



Ummm. This. The poor little guys legs were trapped underneath the toy bucket, while my 36lb son sat in it. Ooops! He'll be fine though, once he learns to walk again. What a trooper!



A little update on my Matchingmoms endeavor (mostly for mamaduck, because she was interested in finding out the end result). I was a little hesitant at first, but I can honestly say that this is a wonderful site for getting Moms and kids together. I haven't been able to get back to everyone who responded to my profile, so I feel a little shitty about that. (I'm working on it though). I've met a couple of Moms close to me who each have one child (boys) and so far we've been meeting once a week. They are very cool/normal (not stepford, at all) and we're even planning to go out at some point. Of course I don't know them well enough yet, to say, show them my blog, but there is definite potential!

So, if you're a SAHM in need of playmates for your child and don't know anyone else with children (or don't really like the ones you do!) this may work for you. It's worth a shot.

And, if mamaduck decides to try this, I DARE her to use the personal add she posted a while ago, as her MM profile ;)

It's Late

...way too late for me to still be up, but yet here I am. So, while I'm waiting for my paint to dry...

Since I've noticed I get the majority of comments on my half-nekkid days, (hmmmm, I wonder why?) I have to assume that my nekkidness is by far more interesting than anything I actually have to say. So...for all of you who stop by for a peak at...uhhhh...women parts??, this ones for you!! For a peak at some real woman parts stop by and visit my newest blogger buddy Bella Snow. Has she got a beauty for you!

You can thank me later ;)

Oh..and Meritt was right yesterday! I am indeed in love with my massage therapist.

I'm in love with a woman...

She has big hands and rides a Harley. I haven't told her I'm in love with her yet. I'm sure she will just laugh.

She knows exactly what I want and need before I say anything. She touches me like no one has ever touched me before. I can't even find words to describe what she does to my body. It's like heaven, a release...a heavenly release. I hate to leave her and I'm always counting down the days until I can see her again. Absolutely no one can make me feel the way she does! And I'm going to be seeing her again. Soon. Very soon.

So, who is this mystery woman? Anyone? Anyone? (Bueller? Bueller?)

I need a vacation...

"Dude, I'm just getting ready to eat. Can I call you back?"



It's Friday finally, and I am exhausted. Now, I am not nearly as busy as other people I know, so why the hell am I so damn tired? Is it because spending two hours chasing a toddler around Imagination Island is really equivalent to an 8 hour work day? Maybe. I suppose it doesn't help that once he's sleeping it's finally time for me to "go to work".

It has also become apparent that I may be spending too much of what free time I do have, in cyber space. The other day, Jack refused to eat his eggs. And I say "What's the matter, honey? You don't want to eat your blogs?"
BLOGS! Not eggs...blogs.

In an attempt to regain some of my sanity, I had a Mom's night out on Wednesday. It was nice, don't get me wrong. Got to eat real food, have a few drinks, relax. BUT, (and this may only be because this my first time going out with other MOMS), can we leave the birthing stories and kid talk at home??? I mean, really?? Isn't the whole point of mom's night out to get away. To actually have some fun and try to remember what it is like to be me. Just me. Is that selfish?

I don't know. This may be completely normal for all I know, but, again, it was my first night out with MOMS. Normally the people I go out with either do not have kids or their kids are grown. We usually talk about other things. Like who they are fucking, or who I would fuck if I wasn't married. You know... girl talk. ;) (I don't know why I put that little winky thing...because I am not even kidding.)

To top the week off, this is what I've been walking around the house singing all morning:

I know a chicken.
(I know a chicken.)
And she layed an egg.
(and she layed an egg.)
Yes, I know a chicken.
(I know a chicken.)
And she layed an egg.
Oh-my-goodness!
It's a shaky egg.

Yeah. So anyway, it's Friday. What I want most in the world right now, is to be laying on a beach in Negril, Jamaica (here) drinking a frozen strawberry dakari.

Half-Nekkid-Thursday #6

It's Thursday people! And you know what that means. If you don't then click the link above and visit Osbasso to find out why everyone is gettin' nekkid.

As I mentioned yesterday, I LOVE leather. Tight leather. I love the feel of it and the smell of it. It has magical powers, leather does. I swear to you. I would not lie about something like that. And besides, nothing says I'm one Hot Mutha like a tight black leather jacket.

So in celebration of my love I present to you my 6th Half-Nekkid Thursday photo.

Give to me your leather...take from me...(my waist??)



Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?
Don't cha?

Go buy yourself a leather jacket. It will change your life.

Did ya play?

Way Back Wednesday

It's Wednesday again. That means it's time for Way Back Wednesday hosted by Mamaduck at The Kept Woman. This weeks theme is :"Money, money, money, it's a rich man's world" show us some money (even if it was you playing Monopoly), bling or something... I'll admit I was stumped, but MamaDuck said to be creative, which I assume means I can post whatever the hell I want. ;)

First on the list. Flashy trashy. My prom picture circa 1990. Seeing how I'm not into a lot of bling, this was about the most flash I've ever experienced. Again, we have the fabulous permed hair. The angled dress, and of course a little black. I'm not complete unless something in my outfit is black. I especially like the black lace gloves.



And my $$ item was my very first leather jacket. Short waisted, complete with puffy ass shoulders. (Notice the high waisted jeans). I waited a long time for this baby and bought it with my own dough. (I got it for a steal at Wilsons because it was missing a button on the sleeve) I LOVED this jacket. To this day I still love leather. I love to touch it...smell it...more on that tomorrow for HNT. Oh and there's even a little bling! Those HUGE silver hoop earrings again.



And last but certainly not least was my golden ticket! My high school diploma. I don't really want to say I hated school, but...well...I hated school. This little piece paper was like GOLD to me. It meant three things. Freedom. I was DONE. I never had to go back. Woo Hoo! End of chapter.


Did you play?