Friday's Update...

It's been a long week of neglecting my blog once again. First up...yes, Destiny was found. Dead. In her neighbors basement. You can read the story here.May that fucker burn in hell.

My heart goes out to her family. I can't even imagine how someone goes about dealing with type of loss. I can't even imagine. So what can we learn from this? That you can't trust anyone? Maybe. That your neighbors could very well be sick and twisted fucks. Perhaps.

I know for a fact that my son will not be playing outside alone at age five. Maybe not even at age twelve for that matter. I don't care what anyone thinks about my parenting. The next time I hear someone tell me I'm being overprotective, instead of becoming defensive and pissed, I will simply smile and say "thank you". My job, above all else, is to protect my child to the best of my ability, because shit like this DOES happen. Every. Day. It's my job to drill it into him that he never, NEVER is allowed to go into someone's house, or car without my permission. That although the world is filled with wonderful, loving and amazing people, there are also some people that are none of those things. Hopefully he will hear me. Hopefully he will believe me.

Next up...it's been a tough week. Every day I have considered giving up on having another baby...just so I can go back on my little pink pills. I think I actually feel worse now that I had a taste of what feeling "good" was like. I'm starting to believe that the "anxiety" wasn't the only problem to start with. That maybe it was more than that, and the anxiety was just a symptom. I don't know. I'm no shrink, although with the amount of self-help books I've read I probably could be. When I first went off I thought maybe I could "remember", so to speak, how to feel that way again. How to think differently. How to cope. That maybe... just maybe, it could be partly behavioral and that if the medication helped me to change my behavior or thought process that I would "remember" how to do it myself when I went off. Yeah. And no. It wasn't. And I can't. And here is where I start to feel helpless.

For now, I'm going to stay the course.

TGIF and then some...

First off, this is important. There is a 10 year old girl missing from Utah since July 16th. Her name is Destiny and she could be anywhere by now.

Please take a look at her video and photo

It only take two seconds to take a look. If it were my child I would want to know as many people as possible were searching for her. Wouldn't you?


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Moving on. My son likes to read (look at the pictures) while I change his diaper. Today I hand him a book that has a torn page and proceed to start changing him.

Jack: Mommy, book fucken...

Me: WHAT??

Jack: frucken

Me: Honey, what are saying? (Please god, don't let him be saying what I think he's saying.)

Jack: Book Froken

Me: Froken...the books froken? Ahh..BROKEN!! Yes, the book is broken. (Thank you god)

Happy Friday to everyone! Eat, Drink and have lots and lots of hot steamy sex...

Half-Nekkid Thursday - #25

What is Half-Nekkid Thursday?? Click the link above and visit Osbasso to find out...then get Nekkid!

Another straight from the "not good enough" archives.

Number twenty five will simply be known as ...Blue...



Let me know if you got nekkid!

Way Back Wednesday - Inside my crib...

Way Back Wednesday people...time to play that game where The Kept Woman asks us to post embarrassing pictures of ourselves online for all the world to see.

This weeks theme is a two parter. I didn't play the first part (no pics) but I'm playing the second: Part II of the two week themed extravaganza! As my kids will be moving into the house that they will "grow up" in I want to see the house you consider your primary home growing up...July 19...Inside the house

I only had a few pics of the inside. This is the house I lived in the longest...from 7th grade to my senior year in high school. I always considered it "home" for this reason only.



This was my room. No comments on the rat's nest hair. I was sick and probably hadn't washed it in a couple days. As you can see the aqua net held up well. Okay. Moving on. The bed, check out the bed. HARD. CORE. hehe. The main reason I showed this photo was to show who I had hanging on my walls. I totally forgot about these. The two hotties (no doubt, torn out of teen beat or something) are, to your left, Bruce Willis, during his Moonlighting days (or nights). Bruce Wilis, I tell you, on my WALLS. WTF. And to your right, Jack Wagner, who payed Frisco on GH during that time. I LOVED him. Even had his first album. Awful stuff, really, but to this day I will listen to him every now and then when I want to feel like that girl again. OH...and that's my best puppy of all time, Nikki.



Next is our Kitchen. That's my aunt and cousin, I suprised the shit out of. Look at the wallpaper...and the cabinets...and OMG the formica, lemon yellow counter and backsplash. What you can't see is the gold stove and green fridge. That's hot. What I find extremely weird is that we moved in and just lived with this kitchen for seven odd years. Just lived with it. My parents had no desire to rip it out and renovate. Jack's Daddy and I thrive on ripping our houses apart. We've only lived in one house, where haven't done that, and that was only because it was new to start with and we only lived there a year.



Another kitchen pic, only because you had to see this clock. Is that a beauty or what? I think my mother still has it (hidden away, thank dog). And what is that gigantic black contraption my cat is chillin' on? Our microwave. Again, HARD. CORE. The cat was Sunni. (This was the 80's remember. All names that normally ended in a y, now ended in i.)

That's all folks. Did you play?

Bud...Weis...ERRR

Frogs?? Or Toads?? How do you tell the differece. (I apologize in advance to all the frogs and toads I'm offending by even asking such a question.)

The other night I was up at 2am working on a doll, and this is what I see the outside of my sunroom slider....



WTF. I've never seen this before in my life. These things were no longer than an inch, and suctioned to my glass. This photo is only a small section. There were like 40 of them. Yes, I counted. In letting my dog out for his last pee, I apparently let a few in the house and woke up to this the following day...



ICK. That's a frog/toad corpse on my dry mop. It was all dryed up and crunchy. Again...ICK. I'm not sure why it died. Maybe just being in the house, or maybe it needed to be in water???? I don't know. It was all very weird and I actually took the picture so that I would have proof the next day, that I hadn't lost my mind. Yeah...a small part of me thought it could be possible that the mininature frog army was all in my head. It wasn't. But even if it had been you can be sure that I still would have shared it with you.

New baby...

Here I go again. Baby Lily. I love that name. I'm using it if I ever end up having a girl. Visit my eBay store , and take a look at my latest work of art below. I think she's my favorite so far, but I'll probably think that of the next one too.

Half Nekkid Thursday - #24

What is Half-Nekkid Thursday?? Click the link above and visit Osbasso to find out...then get Nekkid!

I was looking through some photos on a CD and hit the half nekkid jackpot, baby! I found a bunch of HNT photos I never posted. I'm not sure why I never posted them. Maybe at the time I didn't think they were good enough. Lucky for me, after 23 half-nekkid photos, I no longer care if they're good enough, or not. I guess my journey has been leading me somewhere afterall.

Number twenty four I will call ...Crazy Beautiful (cuz I loved the movie)



Did you get nekkid?

The history of women and the smoke...

I saw this at an antique store recently, and being a former smoker, I thought it was hilarious and had to buy it. A little history lesson for you ladies and gentlemen. It makes me wonder which adds we are reading in magazines today, that are so completely, utterly, WRONG. Enjoy!

(if you can't read it, click on the pic for a larger version)

Off my meds...off my rocker

Okay. I'm officially off my wonder drug. The tiny pink anti-poopiness pill. Gone are the smooth level days that I'd come to rely on over the past few months. I'm back. Stone cold sober as a matter of fact. Well maybe it's not that bad. No, wait, it is. I'm up, I'm down. My anxiety level isn't too bad right now but give it some time and I will once again start feeling my heart beat out of my chest for absolutely no fucking reason. I hate it.

Before I started taking the medication I hated the fact that there was a chance that I even needed to take it. I worried about the long term effects it would have. I felt a weird kind of shame and embarrassment that I couldn't be normal like everyone else. HA! I felt weak. BUT, after my first couple of days I felt none of that anymore. I just felt GOOD. CALM. LEVEL. CLEAR. I have never in my life felt those things all at one time before. I didn't know what it was like to sit down at the end of the day and not feel my heart racing. It became very clear to me that I would rather live another 10 years feeling good, than live another 40 feeling the way I have felt for most of my life. I guess this is what they mean by quality of life.

The answers to why this is, are still out of my reach. A chemical imbalance? Years of practice? Does it stem from my early years with an alcoholic mother? Or my later years with a controlling, overbearing, manipulative mother? (and yeah I have a father, but for some reason he doesn't fit into my mental stability one way or the other..hehe) Would therapy work? Maybe. But who has years to invest in the process of dredging up all the events of your life that you've worked so hard to try to forget? Really? Who the fuck wants to do that, when you can take a tiny pink pill and smooth it all over? Go ahead. Judge me. I dare you.

Okay, then. So, if it worked so well, why the hell did I go off, you ask? Well, maybe you didn't ask, but I'll tell you anyway. We are officially trying for baby number two. Before you start on about how a crazy person like me shouldn't be having another baby, let me just say this. Crazy, anxiety-ridden people are totally allowed to have babies! So there. Anyway, after speaking with my PCP and my OBGYN and doing some research on my own, I discovered that at the very least my baby would end up going through withdrawals after being born. Worst case scenario, severe birth defects. So there you have it. That's why I am going through withdrawals now and hating every fucking minute of it. I'll survive, though, because that's what I do. I just won't be happy doing it.

The good news is that once I get pregnant all should be well with the world again. The pregnancy hormones are like medicine to me, so I really need to get busy, if you know what I mean. The bad news...I have an increased chance of PPD after delivery, so as soon as the baby is born I will back to popping that tiny pink pill again.

The End.

I really hate it when....

people say they're going to do something and then don't

my body goes through withdrawals from a prescription medication

my tampon leaks

the weather report says it's sunny and it's fucking not

stupid people ask me stupid questions

guys pretend to be your friend in hopes of getting to fuck you at some point

people lie to me, either out right or by omission

I have to contend with assholes in my life

people judge me because I did not breast feed, WTF?

I stub my toe on the corner of the damn table

naptime doesn't last at least two hours

I have a bad dream

I toss and turn and can't sleep

my Benadryl doesn't work

my dog pukes on the rug

the bananas turn black in just two days!

the trash guy comes before I get a chance to empty the diaper champ

I forget to get razor blades at the store for the second time!

I let what other people think affect what I do or don't do

I allow history to repeat itself


Don't you?

Check it out...

This is where I shamelessly beg you all to click here , and take a look at my latest work of art below. Feel free to bid big, too. I'm not above taking money from any of you. Really, I'm not.

Seriously though, I know many of you are registered with eBay. If you're not in a position to purchase you can still WATCH little Liam. The more watchers I get the greater my chances are of appearing on Pulse. Come on...help a sistah out...will ya?

Half - Nekkid Thursday #23

What is Half-Nekkid Thursday?? Click the link above and visit Osbasso to find out.

Number twenty three along the Nekkid Road to nowhere....View from down here...



Check out my baby in the previous post and let me know what you think.

HHNT to all! Did you get Nekkid?

Just a few things...

Over the past few weeks I've come to the conclusion that summer and blogger don't mix very well. At least not for me. Or maybe it's just that I'm not that dedicated. Somehow, that can't be a bad thing. So what does that mean? Will I be taking the summer off? No. Actually it doesn't really mean anything except that if you haven't seen a post in a while you can be sure that I'm off doing something summery and fun. Weather is great! Wish you were here! Right.

I just realized I need one of those hard scrubby things for the heals of my feet. I've never needed one of those before. My feet have always been pretty soft and smooth and girly. Does this mean I'm getting old? Nah....

I had decided a while back to do my best to stay out of the sun. You know to prevent premature aging, skin cancer and all that shit. Well. I changed my mind and I'm on my way to having a really nice tan. :) The sun makes me happy damn it. And I'd rather be happy and tan now, than be young looking, miserable and live forever. Ptthhh!

I'm just typing random shit as it comes to me...if you couldn't tell. We've been spending a lot of money. On what? Whatever. So...

And it's time to get busy! Mama gotta make some money! Here is what I've spent the last few day's working on. A new baby doll. I started using some new paints that I LOVE, and this was my first attempt at realism with them. She's a little more pink than I had intended, but I was going for that "fresh out of the oven look". She's got a super ruddy complexion, light veining under the skin and even some scattered milia. She's not finished but what do ya think so far?