What a difference...

a day makes.

Yesterday I posted a photo of some tulips that I bought earlier in the week. Today I feel like an idiot for posting a photo of the tulips I bought earlier in the week. Yesterday I talked about how I'd spend Mothers Day. Today I feel like an idiot. Period.

And what a difference a day makes.

Last night I asked a question and heard an all too familiar response. Silence. It wasn't just any question. It was an important question. "Do you want to leave?", was the question. My answer was silence.

This morning I heard those three little words that we've probably all said or heard at one point or another. No, not those three little words. "I'm not happy", is what I heard. And although I wasn't suprised, this was the first time I actually heard the words out loud. And the first time I'd seen that look. I remember it because I once had the same look on my face while I said the exact same words.

I probably don't need to tell you how shitty it feels to know that the person you promised to give your life to, and created a child with, doesn't want you anymore.... and hasn't for quite some time, although he would never admit to it. I guess, that because he wouldn't admit to it I convinced myself that maybe I was wrong...maybe these instincts...this intuition...was really just all in my head. Or almost convinced myself.

Aside from feeling like a failure (yet again), I feel stupid. And lost. And alone. I feel sick, deep in the pit of my stomach. I feel like a complete chump...just going about my day...making plans for the future...booking a vacation...planning a fathers day gift. But most of all my heart is breaking, not only for myself and the lost dreams, but for my son.

When you have a child your world shifts and so does your focus. Everything becomes about them, and although I am far from perfect, I have tried so hard to put his needs first. Always. Even if it meant sacrificing things that were important to me or accepting situations that I'd normally have no tolerance for. And now, here comes this blow. This huge life altering decision that's going to tear his world apart. And I have no control over it. I can't stop it. I can't change it.

How will I ever be able to make this better?

A sure sign...

that Spring has truly arrived.



Happy Early Mother's Day to all you mutha's out there. May those who repeatedly "suck you dry" every other day of year, treat you right on Sunday.

As for me, I will be spending a small portion of my day having my entire body rubbed and tugged and beaten back into shape. I knew Jack's Daddy would be racking his brain as to what to get me that a) wouldn't piss me off...and b) would make me feel appreciated enough not to run away. I decided to take the pressure off two weeks ago, and just told him what I wanted. He's happy because he didn't have to think. I'm happy because I get what I want. Does it get any better than that? Really. I'm asking. Does it??

I took a peak at my hand made, Mother's Day card from Jack, which is currently being displayed in our local grocery store...

Mommy, I love you because...

we play in the backyard.

Priceless.

Half Nekkid Thursday - #40

Wanna know why everyone's gettin' nekkid?? Click the link above and visit Osbasso to find out.

It's been a while, I know. But...here she comes again, when she's dancing' neath the stormy sky... Actually, when I took these, the skies were far from stormy and I could litteraly feel the replenishing of my vitamin D...today I offer up number forty in my half-nekkid journey......kiss of the sun....

(other names considered for todays pics...ab-less...soft belly...shut up about my squishy stomach...) ha...eh..see for yourself.




Thanks to mother nature and the miracle of birth, my bikini days are long gone...but i'm really digging this new suit. Very Joan Crawford...you know, before she was known as mommy dearest.

did you get nekkid or what?

Static...

Yup. That's pretty much all I can say about this one.



Tonight.
Lost.
Watch it.
Bye.

Where the hell have I been??

Your guess is as good as mine. I thought I'd take a little break from the world of blogging, but I never intended to be gone this long. As usual, time is an issue. I honestly don't know how some of you do it. Even the moms who are home all day. Once I start up blogging again, then I start reading again and before you know it I'm trying to keep up with the happenings of 20 odd bloggers, along with manage my own life. It's TIME CONSUMING, man!

Anyway. Here I am again. Anyone who was reading me has moved on I'm sure, and I'm back to square one. Good thing I like starting over.

So what's been going on? Well I'll tell you. Whether you care or not.

We've been sick almost non-stop since my son started preschool. LOADS of fun, let me tell ya, but I'm staring to get used it.

I've been trying to "diet"...haha...work out etc....and each time I feel I'm depriving myself I go on a brownie/cookie/iced cream binge. I just don't like to be told what to do...not even by myself. I think I've finally decided to take it slower. I like to eat healthy and I normally do...it's only when I force myself to loose "this much in this length of time" that I fly off the handle. For now, I'm just going give it rest. Do what feels good and see what happens with my body over a longer period of time. It's not like I'm fucking huge. I'm just never going to be a size 3 again. So be it. And this subject is CLOSED!

I read The Secret. Anyone else?? Great stuff...or a bunch of bull? I'd like your opinions. Really. Personally I think there's something to it all, BUT...being one of the world most negative thinking people I'm having trouble working it to my advantage. I can be obsessive at times. (betcha didn't know that) and when I have obsessed over something, 9 times out of 10 that obsession becomes reality. Not always a good thing. Thinking positively is something I really need to work on. But, I'm a loser, so I probably won't. ;)

The husband aka Jack's daddy has gone back to school and is starting the long road towards obtaining his MBA. Along with that and going away on business every month or so, he's been a bit of ghost. Even when he is here, his mind is never present. I know...woe is me...the poor pitiful housewife. Piss off! I'm over it. :)

I've also been busy trying to ensure my son grows up to be a healthy, well adjusted human being. A lot of times that requires me pretending to be a healthy, well adjusted human being, but it seems to be working. I've also been busy making my dolls and attempting to contribute. My sculpting has been put on hold, simply because I'm a mom. There are always a million things that come before doing what I want to do. It's a part of the job that I'm finally starting to adjust to. Luckily my child makes it all worthwhile. I keep telling myself that when he's finally off to school I'm going to miss these days and his little booger face so much...I will regret having taken any time away from him to pursue "my goals".

ummm...What else? Let's see. Pretty boring. Uh...We're going to Texas in a couple of weeks. Looking forward to that...and blah blah blah...I think that's it.

A half hearted update, I'll admit, but at least it's something. I'm making an honest attempt here, to get back to business. Mostly because I like to ramble on. It's good for me.

Have a tantalizing Tuesday!