What a difference...

a day makes.

Yesterday I posted a photo of some tulips that I bought earlier in the week. Today I feel like an idiot for posting a photo of the tulips I bought earlier in the week. Yesterday I talked about how I'd spend Mothers Day. Today I feel like an idiot. Period.

And what a difference a day makes.

Last night I asked a question and heard an all too familiar response. Silence. It wasn't just any question. It was an important question. "Do you want to leave?", was the question. My answer was silence.

This morning I heard those three little words that we've probably all said or heard at one point or another. No, not those three little words. "I'm not happy", is what I heard. And although I wasn't suprised, this was the first time I actually heard the words out loud. And the first time I'd seen that look. I remember it because I once had the same look on my face while I said the exact same words.

I probably don't need to tell you how shitty it feels to know that the person you promised to give your life to, and created a child with, doesn't want you anymore.... and hasn't for quite some time, although he would never admit to it. I guess, that because he wouldn't admit to it I convinced myself that maybe I was wrong...maybe these instincts...this intuition...was really just all in my head. Or almost convinced myself.

Aside from feeling like a failure (yet again), I feel stupid. And lost. And alone. I feel sick, deep in the pit of my stomach. I feel like a complete chump...just going about my day...making plans for the future...booking a vacation...planning a fathers day gift. But most of all my heart is breaking, not only for myself and the lost dreams, but for my son.

When you have a child your world shifts and so does your focus. Everything becomes about them, and although I am far from perfect, I have tried so hard to put his needs first. Always. Even if it meant sacrificing things that were important to me or accepting situations that I'd normally have no tolerance for. And now, here comes this blow. This huge life altering decision that's going to tear his world apart. And I have no control over it. I can't stop it. I can't change it.

How will I ever be able to make this better?

A sure sign...

that Spring has truly arrived.



Happy Early Mother's Day to all you mutha's out there. May those who repeatedly "suck you dry" every other day of year, treat you right on Sunday.

As for me, I will be spending a small portion of my day having my entire body rubbed and tugged and beaten back into shape. I knew Jack's Daddy would be racking his brain as to what to get me that a) wouldn't piss me off...and b) would make me feel appreciated enough not to run away. I decided to take the pressure off two weeks ago, and just told him what I wanted. He's happy because he didn't have to think. I'm happy because I get what I want. Does it get any better than that? Really. I'm asking. Does it??

I took a peak at my hand made, Mother's Day card from Jack, which is currently being displayed in our local grocery store...

Mommy, I love you because...

we play in the backyard.

Priceless.

Half Nekkid Thursday - #40

Wanna know why everyone's gettin' nekkid?? Click the link above and visit Osbasso to find out.

It's been a while, I know. But...here she comes again, when she's dancing' neath the stormy sky... Actually, when I took these, the skies were far from stormy and I could litteraly feel the replenishing of my vitamin D...today I offer up number forty in my half-nekkid journey......kiss of the sun....

(other names considered for todays pics...ab-less...soft belly...shut up about my squishy stomach...) ha...eh..see for yourself.




Thanks to mother nature and the miracle of birth, my bikini days are long gone...but i'm really digging this new suit. Very Joan Crawford...you know, before she was known as mommy dearest.

did you get nekkid or what?

Static...

Yup. That's pretty much all I can say about this one.



Tonight.
Lost.
Watch it.
Bye.

Where the hell have I been??

Your guess is as good as mine. I thought I'd take a little break from the world of blogging, but I never intended to be gone this long. As usual, time is an issue. I honestly don't know how some of you do it. Even the moms who are home all day. Once I start up blogging again, then I start reading again and before you know it I'm trying to keep up with the happenings of 20 odd bloggers, along with manage my own life. It's TIME CONSUMING, man!

Anyway. Here I am again. Anyone who was reading me has moved on I'm sure, and I'm back to square one. Good thing I like starting over.

So what's been going on? Well I'll tell you. Whether you care or not.

We've been sick almost non-stop since my son started preschool. LOADS of fun, let me tell ya, but I'm staring to get used it.

I've been trying to "diet"...haha...work out etc....and each time I feel I'm depriving myself I go on a brownie/cookie/iced cream binge. I just don't like to be told what to do...not even by myself. I think I've finally decided to take it slower. I like to eat healthy and I normally do...it's only when I force myself to loose "this much in this length of time" that I fly off the handle. For now, I'm just going give it rest. Do what feels good and see what happens with my body over a longer period of time. It's not like I'm fucking huge. I'm just never going to be a size 3 again. So be it. And this subject is CLOSED!

I read The Secret. Anyone else?? Great stuff...or a bunch of bull? I'd like your opinions. Really. Personally I think there's something to it all, BUT...being one of the world most negative thinking people I'm having trouble working it to my advantage. I can be obsessive at times. (betcha didn't know that) and when I have obsessed over something, 9 times out of 10 that obsession becomes reality. Not always a good thing. Thinking positively is something I really need to work on. But, I'm a loser, so I probably won't. ;)

The husband aka Jack's daddy has gone back to school and is starting the long road towards obtaining his MBA. Along with that and going away on business every month or so, he's been a bit of ghost. Even when he is here, his mind is never present. I know...woe is me...the poor pitiful housewife. Piss off! I'm over it. :)

I've also been busy trying to ensure my son grows up to be a healthy, well adjusted human being. A lot of times that requires me pretending to be a healthy, well adjusted human being, but it seems to be working. I've also been busy making my dolls and attempting to contribute. My sculpting has been put on hold, simply because I'm a mom. There are always a million things that come before doing what I want to do. It's a part of the job that I'm finally starting to adjust to. Luckily my child makes it all worthwhile. I keep telling myself that when he's finally off to school I'm going to miss these days and his little booger face so much...I will regret having taken any time away from him to pursue "my goals".

ummm...What else? Let's see. Pretty boring. Uh...We're going to Texas in a couple of weeks. Looking forward to that...and blah blah blah...I think that's it.

A half hearted update, I'll admit, but at least it's something. I'm making an honest attempt here, to get back to business. Mostly because I like to ramble on. It's good for me.

Have a tantalizing Tuesday!

Tickle me Tuesday

I'm bored. Make me laugh! Know any good jokes? Funny true stories? If you do, please share. I'd pay you if only I had the means to do so...

Uh..yeah. I don't really know what I'm doing here anymore. I'm randomly posting over here and randomly posting on myspace. There's no rhyme or reason to what goes where and why. I'm trying to decide if I should just consolidate or delete or repeat. So for now, If I'm not here, I'm there. But today, I'm here.

I just checked out my sitemeter, which I don't often do, just to see who was popping in. Yeah. I can't really tell. What I did find, though, were some funny search phrases that led some unique individuals right to me.

Word for word what was typed into google and ended up pulling up my site...

1. make believe boyfriend

2. peed in her pants

3. half nekkid thursday (no big surprise)

4. rasta ralphie (number one search)

and finally

5. brought to climax by the massage therapist


First of all... What?!? And secondly, what kind of crap am I blogging about??

Happy Tuesday. Don't forget to tickle me with some funny...

Half Nekkid Thursday - #39

Wanna know why everyone's gettin' nekkid?? Click the link above and visit Osbasso to find out.

If you're looking for T and A you won't find it here today. And let's be honest, I'm sure you've seen enough of that in your travels on this fine Thursday. Today I offer, only this...number thirty nine in my half-nekkid journey......saran wrap....

cuz I thought it looked cool.





did you get nekkid or what?

It's on the way

Spring, that is. It's amazing what a little sunshine and above freezing temperatures will do for my mood and energy level. We're not out of the woods yet. It's supposed to plummet again this weekend, but I refuse to think about that now.

All in all it really isn't as horrible as I seem to think it is. Living back in New England. The summers are great and by the end I really do look forward to the fall. There's Halloween in October, and playing dress up is one of my favorite things to do. Then November isn't too bad, with Thanksgiving to plan for and look forward to. December is spent planning, decorating and shopping for Christmas. New Years used to be a highlight but now than I'm married with child and OLD to boot, it's really just another night. Then comes January and February. The two longest, darkest, coldest months of the year. Right around January 2ND is when I start saying how much it sucks here and how I want move back to a warmer climate. I sleep more and I'm always tired. I have very little energy and what I do have comes only from sugar or sugar water (coffee), which in turn, adds the unwanted lbs to, not only, my waistline, but my hips and ass. Those two months alone seem to last half the year, in my mind.

But then March rolls around. Ahh...March! And I start to get excited, however the first two weeks are basically a slap in the face..or a kick in the ass...take your pick. A nasty reminder that...FUCK...it's still winter! By the middle of the month, though, things start to change. The lakes and ponds are thawing out... it's still daylight while I'm cooking dinner...I can go outside in a heavy sweatshirt and my nipples don't freeze and fall off. I get the spring cleaning/organizing bug AND the energy to actually do it! I break out the flip flops. I may not actually wear them yet, but I break them out anyway and set them by the door in preparation. Right around March 15Th is when I start to remember all the reasons why I love it here and why it will always be home, no matter where I end up in the future.

So there.

Half Nekkid Thursday - #38

Wanna know why everyone's gettin' nekkid?? Click the link above and visit Osbasso to find out.

I'm late for another date.

I'm still struggling to get back into the swing of things. Too much to do...so little time...but yet I aways find myself coming back. So, better late than never ...number thirty eight in my half-nekkid journey......the photographer....

My first attempt at sculpting...

...a one of a kind doll. I've been wanting to do this for about 6 years. I've wanted to sculpt something for much longer than that. Why, on earth, it takes me so long to get with the program, I may never know. But I've gotten with it over that last week and wanted to post some pics of my first try. Please keep in mind (she?) is still in the very beginning stages...so her head isn't quite the right shape yet and she's got a pretty bad case of the mumps...I mean bumps. I was more anxious to see if I could get the facial structure and features right...or close to right...than I was about smoothing out my clay.

So...here she is for all to see and judge...(READ: PLEASE, don't really judge me, cuz i'm very sensitive and if you hate her and tell me it'll probably scar me for life)

If you wanna see...

Here's the link for anyone who wants to take a peek at the babies. I'm not sure if all the pics are still there by I know the most recent two are. Enjoy!

Dream Babies

Nothing of any importance

Just a warning. This is going to be completely random. My brain doesn't have any desire to keep organized thoughts today so dive in at your own risk.

How come I can put the same exact amount of water in my oatmeal one day and it turns out thick...and then another day it turns out watery? The SAME amount of water. How is that possible?

I know I've been slacking as of late. Is this anything new? No. Of course not. I tell myself I have nothing to say, but that's not completely true. I will, at times, throughout the week find myself thinking..."I should write a blog about this or that or the other thing"...usually times when I'm NOT sitting at my computer. Then two days later when I actually have the time to write about this, that or the other thing, I realize it was a really stupid idea to begin with. Not that most of my rantings aren't stupid anyway, but at least I don't think so when I'm in full blown blog mode.

Anyway. It's raining out. On one hand that's a good thing. I've had sinus headaches for the last three days because it's been sooo dry. Rain=humidity so I've gotten some relief. On the other hand my brain requires sun to function on a normal level. Without the sun I just kind of walk around in circles like a dog looking for a good place to shit. Yeah.

I had a panic attack yesterday, in the shower of all places. I usually don't talk about them because most people don't get it. They don't know what they are. They don't understand. They look at me like I'm a fucking lunatic. And in the end I end up feeling worse than I did before I said anything. I don't really care right now though. Anxiety is something I live with daily, but I haven't had a full blown panic attack in a LONG time. (and yes, I do realize that was the second time I used "full blown" in the same blog. I may even use it again, so prepare yourself) The main theme behind all of my panic attacks is, well, fear, of course. FEAR. Irrational fear that somehow manifests itself into physical symptoms. I can't breath. I start to go numb, my heart beats out of my chest, my hands shake, my legs get weak, and I either sweat or turn a nice pastey shade of dead. It didn't last long. As quickly as it came...so it went. Why, though? Don't know. No fucking idea. Up until that point I was having a pretty good morning. It came from nowhere. And although I'm now able to recognize it for what it is, midstream, there is still a small part of me that doesn't fully realize what has happened until it's over. When my husaband came home from work, I did what any rational self medicating person would do. I went out bought myself a large bottle of Piccala, a pack of smokes and a trashy celebrity gossip magazine. Hey. I KNOW how to take care of myself.

On a happy note, lets talk about money. I'm making some. Finally. I'm 99% sure it has everything to do with my kick ass Nikon showing it like it is. MY dolls have been averaging $350, with my last one selling for $847. Yeah. You heard me. Why on earth anyone would pay that much for a doll is beyond me. Way beyond me, but I'm not complaining. I am, however, worried. Worried that once they receive it, they'll realize it doesn't actually shit, piss or breath...and be disapointed. Ah well. We'll see. I certainly didn't twist anyones arm to cough up that much dough for a few pieces of painted vinyl. It's not making me rich, but it's certainly a profitable part time job now.

My son took his first shit in the potty the other day. It was a very big deal and a complete accident. It was half out when I put him on the seat and it just kind of plopped out. How's that for painting a pretty picture? Told you. Random. Next I may talk about hemorrhoids. Then again...

I guess that's all I have. And I'm off...probably to go walk around in circles again.

Have a great weekend!

Filling Space and Wasting Time

I'd like to run away from you

But if I were to leave you I would die

I'd like to break the chains you put around me

And yet I'll never try



No matter what you do you drive me crazy

I'd rather be alone

But then I know my life would be so empty

As soon as you were gone



Impossible to live with you

But I could never live without you

For whatever you do

For whatever you do

I never, never, never

Want to be in love with anyone but you



You make me sad

You make me strong

You make me mad

You make me long for you

You make me long for you



You make me live

You make me die

You make me laugh

You make me cry for you

You make me cry for you



I hate you

Then I love you

Then I love you

Then I hate you

Then I love you more

For whatever you do

I never, never, never

Want to be in love with anyone but you



You treat me wrong

You treat me right

You let me be

You make me fight with you

I could never live without you



You make me high

You bring me down

You set me free

You hold me bound to you



I hate you

Then I love you

Then I love you

Then I hate you

Then I love you more

I love you more

For whatever you do

For whatever you do

I never, never, never

Want to be in love with anyone but you



I never, never, never

I never, never, never

I never, never, never

Want to be in love with anyone but you

But you


I fucking HATE Celine Dion

Half -Nekkid Thursday - #37

Wanna know why everyone's gettin' nekkid?? Click the link above and visit Osbasso to find out.

How do you measure a year?

If you're visiting from myspace this will won't be new for you. I haven't had a chance to get all creative but I wanted to play today and this is all I have. For the rest of you...enjoy. This was my favorite musical. I've seen it in three different cities and would see again. I'm not really a fanatic, I guess, because I've only seen it three times. Never did rent the DVD. To be honest I'm not really into musicals, unless I see them live. I'm also not big into buying shirts from events I go to. They're usually cheaply made and way overpriced, but this little number ended up being one of my favorite little tanks ever. I've pretty much outgrown it, as far as being able to wear it in public. It's worn out and the pits are all sweat stained, but yet I've still held onto it, for whatever reason, and decided to share it with you here in a very wet way. So, here you have it ...number thirty seven in my half-nekkid journey......525600 minutes....




It's good to be back. Did you get nekkid?