Can't get my sleep on...

Mondays Confession:

I am officially a crazy person.

I CAN'T sleep. Well, I can, but not much. And I'm finding it very difficult to get into bed anytime before 2am. I think I've said this before...I LOVE to sleep. So, when I don't, something is very wrong, which I'll save for another day. Anyway, this lack of the sleep, had started to make me a walking zombie during the day. And, because I can't be a walking zombie, I did a very bad thing. I started using again. I think most of you know what I'm talking about. Starts with the letter C...ends in the letter E. Yup...Caffeine.

Okay, I know what you're thinking...big deal. Everyone needs their Java Jolt to get moving in the morning. Maybe so, but not everyone has a Nervous System like mine. Caffeine makes me a crazy person. I know this, and in fact, I quit several years ago, only splurging on an occasional special coffee or chocolate.

The first week of my relapse was fine, and I had so much more energy. I was buzzing around like a little bee. For most people that jolt seems to wear off sometime during the day. For me...it takes FOREVER. I started going to bed even later and getting even less sleep. From there, it's the jitters, or better yet the shakes. No, really. Like when I'm handing money to a store clerk or trying to punch in my pin number on a keypad. God only knows what people think. Then my skin starts to feel like it's crawling, I can't sit still, I don't want to be touched, or even talked to. From there my head usually feels like it's going to explode (possibly from my raised bloodpressure?), followed by muscle tension and teeth grinding ... and that pretty much covers it. Once I get to this point it's usually just a hop, skip and a jump into a full-blown anxiety attack. And there you have it folks...A CRAZY PERSON.

Caffeine is not my friend. Again, I know this, and yet, for some reason I thought it was something I might actually have control over. So now, I'm coming down... finally. My head doesn't feel as explosive anymore. I took a long, hot bath with lavender salts and bubbles, and now I'm going drink some Kava Tea in hopes of promoting "a state of relaxed unconcern". HA!

So, in a week and a half I've handed over my smokes, wine, and caffeine. WTF?? Is there no self-destructive activity that I can safely engage in??