What a difference...

a day makes.

Yesterday I posted a photo of some tulips that I bought earlier in the week. Today I feel like an idiot for posting a photo of the tulips I bought earlier in the week. Yesterday I talked about how I'd spend Mothers Day. Today I feel like an idiot. Period.

And what a difference a day makes.

Last night I asked a question and heard an all too familiar response. Silence. It wasn't just any question. It was an important question. "Do you want to leave?", was the question. My answer was silence.

This morning I heard those three little words that we've probably all said or heard at one point or another. No, not those three little words. "I'm not happy", is what I heard. And although I wasn't suprised, this was the first time I actually heard the words out loud. And the first time I'd seen that look. I remember it because I once had the same look on my face while I said the exact same words.

I probably don't need to tell you how shitty it feels to know that the person you promised to give your life to, and created a child with, doesn't want you anymore.... and hasn't for quite some time, although he would never admit to it. I guess, that because he wouldn't admit to it I convinced myself that maybe I was wrong...maybe these instincts...this intuition...was really just all in my head. Or almost convinced myself.

Aside from feeling like a failure (yet again), I feel stupid. And lost. And alone. I feel sick, deep in the pit of my stomach. I feel like a complete chump...just going about my day...making plans for the future...booking a vacation...planning a fathers day gift. But most of all my heart is breaking, not only for myself and the lost dreams, but for my son.

When you have a child your world shifts and so does your focus. Everything becomes about them, and although I am far from perfect, I have tried so hard to put his needs first. Always. Even if it meant sacrificing things that were important to me or accepting situations that I'd normally have no tolerance for. And now, here comes this blow. This huge life altering decision that's going to tear his world apart. And I have no control over it. I can't stop it. I can't change it.

How will I ever be able to make this better?